Can you feel the heat coming off those letters?
I would ask for a show of hands,
but those who can completely relate
to the monster within this horrible menace
are probably fanning themselves with one hand
and wiping beads of sweat around their necks with a tissue
using the other while reading this
dreaming of doing a polar dip in the frigid waters of the Atlantic or Pacific Oceans.
Too much, right?
No worries though,
I have about five minutes
before my next inferno rears its ugly head,
so let me give this a go!
What on earth was God thinking
by giving women “hormones” to begin with?
Sort of explains why we never heard of a Mrs. God.
Poor guy would have never survived the first PMS episode
told the wife to get over it,
while in the middle of a hot flash
only to discover a new word for the dictionary,
I am dab smack in the middle of all this fun
and surrounded with other amazing women
who I share the same horror stories with.
A quick run through…
Nights sweats, insomnia, weight gain.
I always love when doctors ask about your symptoms and because we don’t think of it,
they add irritability.
Geez, Ya think??
Feeling like a fat cow, waking up every hour on the hour
and changing bedding and clothing couldn’t possibly be something
to irritate anyone,
Let’s add doing absolutely nothing
and somewhere out of the complete blue,
of course in a sudden rush,
feeling like aliens just cloaked us in their easy bake ovens,
wanting to test how quickly we can char broil.
I do remember when I first started this new path of womanhood,
“Yay, no more periods!”
Almost wanted to have a party for that one.
Not so fast here…
For a minute I thought God was sympathetic to our pain
and decided he would remove those nasty feminine products
because all us poor women have suffered long enough.
Good bye menstrual cycles,
Hello bladder control issues.
So we aren’t buying tampons or Always anymore,
but now we are standing in the same damn aisle
discovering something called “Poise”
Not sure about any of you
but I really don’t feel too poised
after I peed a little because I laughed too hard
and suddenly I am making a mad dash to the nearest bathroom facility.
Of course there are the nightly and predictable
zombie walks to pee through the night.
(3 a.m. seems to be my witching hour)
I’ll share one of my thoughts
because at this point,
pride has already flown out the window.
One night I almost thought I’d just camp out on the toilet
saving myself the agony of actually getting out of bed.
Seemed like a brilliant idea at the time.
I suppose I should also get into the mental aspect,
which of course is enough to make some women go absolutely
bat-shit crazy and understandably so.
It can completely alter some women’s
capacity to rationalize or lose those gentle qualities we as women have been born with
given our loving nature.
but luckily I have not been
damned with that one.
Unless of course by using my inside voice to wish someone would vaporize right in front of me
because they looked at me the wrong way
while my head was about to pop off my shoulders
while standing in a check-out line counts.
Busted I guess!
You really didn’t think I would leave out our most favourite,
(or the one that can get me all twisted in a bunch)
Not sure about any of you
but I just LOVE coming out of the shower
and having that one black chin hair
poking its ugly face in the mirror at me,
prompting me to pull out my weapon of choice
and finding the end of that sucker,
(which by the way isn’t a one second job)
with sweat running down my nose
and yanking that sucker from the root.
It is such a touchy subject and my intention
was to hopefully make some of you laugh a little
or at least get some good use out of that damn
It certainly is a crazy time and although we can’t change
what has been in place since the beginning of time,
I suppose the best thing to do
is continue sharing our stories,
laugh through the chaos,
realize that not one woman stands alone
while going through this,
and who knows…
Maybe someone will make a commercial
celebrating a Happy Menopause too!
Pretty sure they won’t be casting Cruella Deville for that one!
One last one to make you all smile
Here comes another hot flash!
Make it a great day everybody!