it happened one night…

Anyone reading this one

should understand a sleepless night.

sheep sleep

As it stands,

last night was mine.

As I laid in bed,

and doing everything from counting sheep

to reciting 99 bottles of beer on the wall

(which by the way I got down to 1 bottle)

I realized how insane it was

that I couldn’t just shut my brain off

and slowly drift into a quiet and peaceful slumber.

 What came to mind

in the midst of all that sheep and beer counting

was how some friends I know

strongly and successfully

have mastered meditation.

Being able to manipulate

both the body and mind

into a serene and still state.

meditation pose

Now I knew better than to actually

follow proper procedure by

sitting and crossing my legs

remembering the last time I tried that

and with both legs locked into submission,

losing complete balance

landing on my back

 only to end up staring at the ceiling

with absolutely no feeling

in my lower extremities

thinking how on earth

would I explain this

to a 911 operator.

So my brilliant self

figured it would be a lot safer

if I just laid flat on my back

in my comfortable bed

and try that

“calming the mind”


So as I closed my eyes,

I began what I thought

would be the answer to my prayers

and I would tune out the world

 to allow my mind to quiet itself down.

Now the tricky part to this

as I quickly found out,

was it’s a very tough thing to do

when you are someone easily distracted

with any outside interference,

so to combat any noise

the plan was simple.

With my fingers in my ears

I was ready to still my mind.


 So here’s what I discovered

during this little process.

Naturally I had no other distractions

but the second my ears were plugged up

and instantaneously,

the inside of my head could hear

what sounded like a distant

thunder-storm rolling inland.

(there’s a pretty good chance some of you have your fingers in your ears to test this theory)

Go ahead…

I’ll wait!

Now some of you may think

this can be a relaxing sound

when you are trying to quiet your overactive mind,

and it did for a second or two

but here is where things got a little dicey.

Once I allowed the sound of the storm

to kind of relax me

I figured taking a few deep breaths

in and out through my nose

would be the next logical step.


As I have stipulated,

an over active mind

can go absolutely anywhere

so after a few of these deep and long breaths

through my nasal passage

not only was there the sound

of a distant storm in the background

echoing inside my head

but now I sounded like Jason

from Friday the 13th

breathing behind that God awful mask.

friday 13 Jason

Like an idiot,

there I was laying down

with my eyes closed

in complete darkness

thinking about a psychotic killer

and his breathing habits

with my damn fingers stuck in my ears.

Would it surprise any of you

that at this point

I aborted the mission?

Needless to say,

not only did I fail at my attempt to meditate

or reduce some of the anxiety

going on inside my mind,

there was a very good chance

after this little episode

that I may never sleep again.

Just to make things worse,

I realized as I pulled my fingers

out of my ears,

there was this matter

of a wax build up

I seriously needed to give some attention to

come the morning.

You’ll be happy to know

that once I returned from the bathroom

(and yes I scrubbed my fingers)

I finally did fall asleep.

It’s funny how once the storm passed

and sounds of a serial killer

left the cavity of my skull

how quiet it finally got

for me to actually fade away

into La La land.

It’s crazy how these nights

can stir you up

and how your thoughts

can create such grand illusions

but if there is any advice I have to give

it would be something very simple.

If you find yourself

struggling to nod off,

and the tossing and turning

starts happening,

take a quick trip to the washroom

and check the wax build-up

situation immediately.

Not promising this will even work,

but at the very least

you now have

one less thing

to think about

in the wee hours of the night!

You’re welcome 🙂

Make it a great day everybody!


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