I am woman, hear me roar…and that’s on a good day!

menopause 1

Can you feel the heat coming off those letters?

I would ask for a show of hands,

but those who can completely relate

to the monster within this horrible menace

are probably fanning themselves with one hand

and wiping beads of sweat around their necks with a tissue

using the other while reading this

or,

completely wacko,

dreaming  of doing a polar dip in the frigid waters of the Atlantic or Pacific Oceans.

summer-polar bear

Too much, right?

 No worries though,

I have about five minutes

before my next inferno rears its ugly head,

so let me give this a go!

What on earth was God thinking

by giving women “hormones” to begin with?

Sort of explains why we never heard of a Mrs. God.

Poor guy would have never survived the first PMS episode

or worse…

told the wife to get over it,

while in the middle of a hot flash

only to discover a new word for the dictionary,

“premeditated”

I am dab smack in the middle of all this fun

 and  surrounded with other amazing women

who I share the same horror stories with.

A quick run through…

Nights sweats, insomnia, weight gain.

I always love when doctors ask about your symptoms and because we don’t think of it,

they add irritability.

Geez, Ya think??

Feeling like a fat cow, waking up every hour on the hour

and changing bedding and clothing couldn’t possibly be something

to irritate anyone,

could it?

Let’s add doing absolutely nothing

and somewhere out of the complete blue,

of course in a sudden rush,

feeling like aliens just cloaked us in their easy bake ovens,

wanting to test how quickly we can char broil.

menopause 3

I do remember when I first started this new path of womanhood,

and thinking,

“Yay, no more periods!”

Almost wanted to have a party for that one.

Hang on!

Not so fast here…

For a minute I thought God was sympathetic to our pain

and decided he would remove those nasty feminine products

because all us poor women have suffered long enough.

Nope…

Good bye menstrual cycles,

Hello bladder control issues.

So we aren’t buying tampons or Always anymore,

but now we are standing in the same damn aisle

discovering something called “Poise”

Not sure about any of you

but I really don’t feel  too poised

after I peed a little because I laughed too hard

and suddenly I am making a mad dash to the nearest bathroom facility.

menopause 5

Of course there are the nightly and predictable

zombie walks to pee through the night.

(3 a.m. seems to be my witching hour)

I’ll share one of my thoughts

because at this point,

pride has already flown out the window.

One night I almost thought I’d just camp out on the toilet

saving myself the agony of actually getting out of bed.

menopause 6

Ya Ya!

Seemed like a brilliant idea at the time.

I suppose I should also get into the mental aspect,

which of course is enough to make some women go absolutely

bat-shit crazy and understandably so.

It can completely alter some women’s

capacity to rationalize or lose those gentle qualities we as women have been born with

given our loving nature.

but luckily I have not been

damned with that one.

Unless of course by using my inside voice to wish someone would vaporize right in front of me

because they looked at me the  wrong way

while my head was about to pop off my shoulders

while standing in a check-out line counts.

Busted I guess!

Freeze!!

You really didn’t think I would leave out our most favourite,

(or the one that can get me all twisted in a bunch)

did you?

Not sure about any of you

but I just LOVE coming out of the shower

and having that one black chin hair

poking its ugly face in the mirror at me,

prompting me to pull out my weapon of choice

menopause 8

and finding the end of that sucker,

(which by the way isn’t a one second job)

with sweat running down my nose

and yanking that sucker from the root.

It is such a touchy subject and my intention

was to hopefully make some of you laugh a little

or at least get some good use out of that damn

poise pad.

It certainly is a crazy time and although we can’t change

what has been in place since the beginning of time,

I suppose the best thing to do

is continue sharing our stories,

laugh through the chaos,

realize that not one  woman stands alone

while going through this,

and who knows…

Maybe someone will make a commercial

celebrating a Happy Menopause too!

Pretty sure they won’t be casting Cruella Deville for that one!

One last one to make you all smile

because honestly…

Here comes another hot flash!

menopause 4

Make it a great day everybody!

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “I am woman, hear me roar…and that’s on a good day!

  1. Wow, did you hit that on the head. Very good . Loved it. But I am afraid I have some sad news for you. This old lady is seventy four and still getting hot flashes. Love you and sure hope you do not have Stewart hormones.Is

    Sent from my iPad

    • Oh great!! Everyone keeps saying I am my father’s daughter, so those “Stewart hormones” are definitely in my blood! LOL!
      Glad you enjoyed it Auntie Isabel!! xoxo

  2. How I can relate! Way back in the day I was a drug rep detailing doctors about HRT (hormone replacement therapy) & was completely oblivious to what was going to hit me about 23 after … not an easy journey … one I am anxiously awaiting the “END” more so than my “PERIOD” … however Isabel now has me more frightened … 74 & still “hot flashing” ,,, will this journey be “NEVER ENDING”??? Thanks, for making this menopause humorous, Ms. Kimmie!!

    • Absolutely my pleasure Michelle!! As I said, you gave me the idea to put in writing and from what I gather, it’s a “hot” topic (no pun intended)
      So a big Thank You right back!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s